How to support your friend who is struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety
As doulas, we get asked this question all the time. “I think my friend is struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety. What can I do to support her?” Watching your friend silently suffer isn’t an easy thing to do, so we’ve complied a little list of our favorite pieces of advice (and some things not to do as well) for you!
Be direct & assertive, “I am going to come by at 12 today to drop you off some dinner. Don’t worry, I won’t stay long if you’re not up for company but I wanted to cook you a meal!” Some people have a hard time asking for and accepting help. By you being direct and taking charge gives her that meal she would never ask for or accept if given the option but that she so desperately needs. A lot of people also don’t accept help because they are worried about having to play host. By letting your friend know you won’t stay long if she’s not up for it can be a huge relief because she knows she won’t have to host you!
Don’t show up unannounced. This can make things worse and could make your friend feel blind sided, unprepared, and overwhelmed.
Send her a card or a care package. A few positive, encouraging words, compliments, and gratitude for her being in your life can completely change her attitude, even if it’s only temporary. Cards are great because they can be read again and again for a pick me up when she’s feeling down. Make her a basket of her favorite things. Often times, new families are showered with gifts for the new baby but rarely do people go out of their way to shower the new mama (or daddy) with gifts for themselves. Her favorite treat, herbal bath, tea, a gift card to her favorite restaurant, a new robe or a new set of pajamas are a few ideas.
Don’t bring the baby another gown or burp cloth unless she specifically asks for those items. People think they’re being helpful by bringing by something for the baby when they visit but in reality, the baby has everything he or she needs. The new parents will remember this time and need to be showered with love, food, and gifts as well.
Let her know you are a judgement free zone. Postpartum depression and anxiety can bring you to some pretty dark places. New mothers can feel ashamed to tell someone what they’re thinking or how they feel. They could also feel bad confiding in their partner because they know their partner could be struggling as well. By reminding your friend you are a judgement free zone and she can share her confusing thoughts and feelings with you can be so comforting. If your friend shares, just listen. Not every sharing session needs to end with a list of solutions or advice. Having your feelings validated and having someone to just listen can help so, so, much.
Offer to watch the baby for a couple of hours so she can sleep, eat, and shower. New moms tend to forget about themselves and sometimes basic needs aren’t being met. Offer to hold the baby so she can grab a shower, get a quick nap, or eat her meal with both hands! If your friend has a partner and isn’t suffering from separation anxiety you could even offer to watch the baby while they grabbed a bite to eat, saw a movie, or even for them to eat & nap at home together. Going from a couple to parents can be a rough transition on some and that time to talk and bond one on one could be game changing!
I will say, this won’t help all new moms. Some new moms don’t want anybody else to hold or watch their baby and the thought of it could give her some anxiety. If you think this might be your friend, don’t push it. Offer to run a bath for her and baby, prepare her food, and do some housework while she holds her baby.
Step in and help. Does house work need to be done? DO IT. Empty the dishwasher, walk the dog, fold that load of laundry, and (my favorite) change the sheets! Housework is monotonous and can pile up fast. Asking her what needs to be done gives her a chance to say nothing or can overwhelm her with everything that does need to be done, so just step in and do something. Personally, I always feel better with a clean room and kitchen. It can be hard to relax when you’re worrying about the never ending list of chores to be done but it can be so difficult to actually ask for and accept help. If you can afford it and your friend is comfortable with it, you could offer to pay for someone to professionally come and clean the house a couple of times as well.
If your friend is opening up to you, ask her when she feels her worst. “Is there a certain time of day your baby is extra fussy and you would like an extra set of hands? I’d love to come by and help during that time. “Is there a certain time of day your anxiety or depression feels worse than others? I’d love to come by during that time so you’re not alone and if you need someone I am there.” Depression and anxiety gets worse for a lot of women when it starts to get dark out. Sometimes partners aren’t home from work or have other obligations so being there during that time can be super helpful!
If you have a relationship with her partner, reach out. Ask how she’s truly doing, what they need that she might not mention, how they are transitioning, etc. If your friend isn’t opening up but you want to aid in some way, getting some answers from her partner can be a great tool!
Be patient. Your friend is still in there, she just needs some support. If you feel comfortable, don’t be afraid to mention your concerns. “Hey, I’ve done some research on postpartum depression and anxiety, you are showing some signs. Have you thought you might be struggling? Have you thought about seeing someone to help you?” As a society we tend to brush things off as “normal” or “that’s just what being a mom is” when in reality, those things aren’t normal and that’s NOT what being a mom is supposed to be like. Sometimes, it takes someone calling us out to realize we are struggling and need some extra support.
Postpartum depression and anxiety are real, serious conditions, and seeking professional help from someone trained in the perinatal period can be the one thing missing that would help. These guidelines are just ways you can support your friend, they don’t replace seeking the help of a medical professional.
We hope you have found this article helpful and that you feel like you have some tangible ways to support your friend!
Love to all,
Kaylie